I've done it again. Broken what couldn't have been broken. I've done it with every relationship now. It's some magical power invested to me by my messed up life and by the powers of negativity. I know my therapist says I can blame things on my youth and it explains why I am the person I am, however I know I can make those choices. And they are choices. I choose to see the negative because it is familiar to me, a well worn pathway into the mind. I choose to remember the bad and not the good, when I hurt the bad stands out as shining examples of why my life is hell and the good get pushed down to little glimmers in the sand.

I scream that actions speak louder than words, since words can have so many meanings and yet when you do show me, actually show me how much I am loved. I don't see it, I don't remember it.

Until its too late...


And now, I'm staring at a broken heart and broken home. Knowing that had I just listened... really listened and been true to myself as well as to us. We wouldn't be in this predicament.

I have this nasty habit of putting myself down or throwing out negative statements, just to see if anyone thinks otherwise. I sing a song and say "that was terrible" in hopes that someone will tell me it wasnt so. I'm looking for the good girl pat on the head, as if I was still 6 years old while still giving them an out to be able to be honest and say "yes that did suck."

I do it with us too. "I'm leaving, I give up, I'm opening up the relationship, I'm giving you an ultimatum!"  really what I'm asking is for you to say "no, don't go, i love you, we'll make it work, i only want you, of course i'll stay" To in some child like fashion prove to me that you'll love/want me no matter what. A child throwing a tantrum because she needs affection. I never realized that you would take me at my words. Which ironically is truly the right thing to do. I should have known better, I do know better but now I'm left with trying to figure out how to fix it. Can it even be fixed, should it be fixed? Is it fucked so badly, have I pushed you so far away...

I want to run screaming into the woods, run to the ocean and let her take it all away. Just like I have every other time. No every other time I ran into someone elses arms to hide the pain and the failure. Never fully dealing with my consequences.

You were different, you saved me and I saved you. I cant run, I cant run from the only one who ever truly gave it their all, who sacrificed everything for me to me. I cant show our daughter that giving up is acceptable.

I will abide
I am Terra and I do not succumb