todays thoughts

I don't know how to do it. I sit here wondering if he is ignoring me or if I'm ignoring him. The dance has gotten out of control. He has doubts like I had doubts. He was my rock when I needed him and now that he needs me to be his rock, to show him that we can make it through anything, the only thing I feel is fear. Terrifying overwhelming fear. I'm not good enough, not young enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, I'm too sick, too needy, too dependent, too gray. It's all spiraling out of control. So I have to pray for guidance.

Get back to basics, what do I know.
I know I love him, I know I'm in love with him. I know seeing him sleeping all cuddled up sets me all aglow because I'm a cheezy romantic like that. I know that I can tell you where every freckle is, how he sleeps, how he blinks and what each eyebrow raised means. I study his face because it is the face of love. I love his smirk, his laugh, the way he nuzzles and the way he pouts. He is my alpha and omega, the begining and end of me. He taught me patience (no easy feat) he lead me through the dark paths I had to go down, he never let go of me when I was drowning.
I should be glowing like a paladin in the night to him. I should be so sure and proud of our love and life that I cant help but pick him up like all the times he picked me up and carry him through this darkness like some pagan "footprints" poem.

and yet....

and yet, there he is in bed, here i am in the front room getting ready to lay on the couch because i'm terrified that if i lay next to him, i'll start crying again.